Still struggling here. I started counseling just over a month ago to help me deal with our loss. It seems to be helping. Most days I'm fine, then others I still can barely function. But, those days are fewer, thankfully.
I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend (who unexpectled announced she was pregnant back in March) told me she added me to the list of people to be in the hospital room when she gave birth. I was honored and terrified at the same time. Not wanting to make her special day about me, I wondered if I could handle it. But, I always told her I would be there for her, and how exciting to experience this since we were not there for our daughter's birth.
As the days quickly approached towards her due date I did a lot of praying. Yesterday was the big day. Everything that could go wrong at work that morning (for me) did and it was looking like I wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Was this God's way of guarding my heart? Was I not suposed to be there? But thankfully it all worked out and I was on my way to see her, an hour before I was even orginally suposed to leave town.
I cried off an on the entire 1 hour and 50 minute trip. I grieved the loss of our baby and I cried tears of joy for what I was about to witness. Bitter sweet tears.
I arrived at the hospital at 4pm and was greated by friends and family. Not much had happend since she had been admitted at 8am that morning. So we waited...and waited...and waited... I was introduced to several of the baby's father's family members and they embrassed me like I had known them all their lives. It made the 10 hours I spent with them that night so much easier.
Of course all the ladies started sharing their birth stories, how long they were in labor, how many pushes it took, the pain and joy. I just sat there. I was unable to contribute to the conversation. Our miscarage was like an elephant in the room, they all knew, no one asked. In fact, no one made eye contact with me while they were sharing their stories. As tears welled in my eyes my friend's mom asked me to join her in getting something to drink. The instant we were behind closed doors the tears flooded and she held me. I so did not want this to be about me!!! And the grandma-to-be of all people didn't need me crying. She reminded me that I had a beautiful daughter at home. Honestly, this did not make me feel better. I know we have a beautiful daughter, whom I love more than life itself. But that does not change the fact that I am still greiving.
After I collected myself and joined the others we continued to wait. I took my turns going back to sit with my friend. I truely love my friend, she has been my sister sinse our first day of college when we met, but it was still so hard. She asked how I was and I chose the "oh, tired by good" reply. (my usual answer these days) I couldn't tell her that while I was so excited for her I was equally dying inside.
Into the wee hours of the morning we continued to wait. By 1:30a I had had so much coffee I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was mesmerized by the monitors and the friendly competition with the women down the hall. (Have you seen the episode of Friends when Rachel goes into the labor, same thing) I was singing into my friend's belling begging the baby to come out. It was getting late and I needed to head for home. I wanted to make sure I was awake enough to make the drive home. So at 2:00a I packed up my things, said my good-byes and headed for home.
Baby H arrived at 6:10am weighing in at 8# 4oz, 22" long and a full head of hair. I took a half day at work and headed back to the hospital. Not sure how I would handle this I got my crying out of the way before I got out of my van in the parking lot. All I can say is SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Oh my gosh. And my friend, who just 7 months ago found out her life was going change forever looked so natural holding her daughter. So content. So at peace. I held H for as long as I could and soaked up her smell, her snuggles and the inocence. I stayed for just over an hour or so and headed home. No tears this time, just a smile.
Sitting here typing this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, tears of pain and tears of the future. I am so ready not to cry. So ready to just feel normal again. I know that day is coming, I just wish I would hurry up and get here.
