Dear baby,

Hi baby!
I've thought about writing this letter for weeks now and and that I'm sitting here, I'm almost at a loss for words. We should have met you today but instead I sit here writing to you. I want you to know that you were loved from the minute we found out you were in my belly. I wanted you for so long and was convinced we'd never have you. But there you were; your little heart beating. So many people were praying for you and I continue to pray for you today.
I can't wait to meet you someday in heaven. Your daddy misses you too, and your big brother and sister still talk about you. Aliya is convinced you are a girl. We will one day find out. We didn't even get the chance to name you, I wonder what Jesus calls you? I wonder if you hear me when I talk to you each night. Do you hear me tell you I miss you and that I love you?
(This is harder than I thought it would be)
How do you love someone so much that you never got to hold or even hear? I don't know the answer to this question, but I do know that I love you still. You were an answer to a prayer that was long overdue. Sometimes at night when I'm lying next to daddy in bed I imagine what you look like. Do you have redish hair like mine, or green eyes like daddy. I know you don't have dark skin like your sister, but I imagine you have her kind spirit and faith. Are you funny like your brother?
What is heaven like? Is Grandma taking good care of you until I can hold you? Why did God have to take you so early? Why does it still hurt when I think about you? Why is it that lying in bed at night I can talk to you for hours, but now my words are few?
I saw a rainbow a few weeks ago , I thought of you. The rainbow ended right over the doctor’s office that told me we’d lost you; the place where so much joy and so much pain was experienced. Maybe that was your way of reminding me that even some good can come out of bad.
I want you to know that even though daddy and I don't talk about you much anymore is not because we don't love you, or that I don't think about you every single day. It's just too hard for me. I have your brother and sister to take care of still.
I miss you. I love you. The days between now and until I can hold you cannot pass quick enough. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love,
Mommy

Four Years Ago...

Four years ago tomorrow our little Aliya joined our family. I cannot believe it's been four years already. She has truely changed my life as a woman and mother. I am eternally greatful to her birthmom who chose life for her and Jon and me to be her parents. Jocelyn, we love you.

1/21/08

11/2011

My little ladybug,
You are an answer to prayers. We prayed for you before we even knew you. I am so blessed to be your mommy! You never stop amazing me. I am 100% positive God planned you and me from the very begining. Everytime I look at you I fall more in love with you. I couldn't love you any more if I tried. You are smart, caring, a good singer and have a memory like I've never seen (I would be hereall day if I listed everything I love about you). You would never know you weren't a Bergstrom by blood, your manorizims are 50/50 of mine and your dad's (and your brother's too), right down to the way you role your eyes at me! (you got that from your brother) I remember the day we recieved your new birth certificate with my name listed as your mommy. I sat in my van and cried. I never thought I would see my name on a baby's birth certificate. And there is was. You were mine and I was yours.

Four years later I still have the mirror in my van turned towards you. I can't take my eyes off of you. You are my dream come true and I don't want to miss a minute of your life. I love watching you sleep...you are so peaceful. I love listening to you pray for people. You have this direct line to God. Please keep that, you have something so special.

I love when I pick you up from school and everyday you run to me. I know that will end soon. Soon you will be too cool to even talk to me in public. But until that day, I will scoop you up and snuggle you in front of your friends as long as you will let me.

Miss Gail bringing you home that cold January night is one I will remember until the day I die. The feeling of relief that you were finally home. The feeling of complete confusion standing at Target that night in the formula isle having ZERO clue what I was shopping for. The first night you cried when we put you down and found comfort on my chest. Tears of joy as I called everyone in the family announcing your arrival. Presenting you for the first time to my coworkers and your new family. You were ours, our answer to prayers.

It is my prayer for you that you grow up strong, confident and loving God. I pray you know where you come from and love where you are. I pray everyday God uses you to change the life of someone else.

Your name means God's Gift and that is truely what you are to me. A gift I will never stop loving!

I am so proud of you!
Love
Mommy

Healing

I have only had one break down in the past 3 weeks, and that only lasted about 2 minutes.

Last month my body was playing tricks on me. It felt EXACTLY the same as it did when I was pregnant (and didn't know it at the time). I have to be honest, the thought of it consumed me. I thought about it all the time. When it was happening for real, I had no idea what the feelings were, so this time I was completely aware of my body and, in all honesty, it scared the crap out of me. I shared with Jon my thoughts and together we counted out the days. I took a test and it was negative. Not one tear shed, not one ounce of disapointment. I'm healing.

In the past week two co-worker announced their pregnancies to me. In fact, they told me three hours apart, neither knowing the other was expecting. No tears, no disapointment, just excitment for them. I'm healing.

My due date would have been 1/24/12...As the day approaches I've been guessing what we would have been doing to prepare. When we first found out I was pregnant I moved Aliya's room around to make room for the crib (of course that was never put up, but the space was there). This past week I moved her room back. I'm healing.

As I sit here and watch my two kids fight play together I say a silent prayer of thanks. God has truly blessed me with these two.

Aliya still talks about her baby sister being in heaven. As I watch her hold other babies, I know she would have made a wonderful big sister. This makes me a bit sad.

I plan to write our little one a letter on my due date. Not sure if I'll post it or just tuck it in my bible with the ultrasound pictures. I am ready to move on, but not forget. I am ready to heal. I am ready to feel normal again.