Still struggling here. I started counseling just over a month ago to help me deal with our loss. It seems to be helping. Most days I'm fine, then others I still can barely function. But, those days are fewer, thankfully.
I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend (who unexpectled announced she was pregnant back in March) told me she added me to the list of people to be in the hospital room when she gave birth. I was honored and terrified at the same time. Not wanting to make her special day about me, I wondered if I could handle it. But, I always told her I would be there for her, and how exciting to experience this since we were not there for our daughter's birth.
As the days quickly approached towards her due date I did a lot of praying. Yesterday was the big day. Everything that could go wrong at work that morning (for me) did and it was looking like I wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Was this God's way of guarding my heart? Was I not suposed to be there? But thankfully it all worked out and I was on my way to see her, an hour before I was even orginally suposed to leave town.
I cried off an on the entire 1 hour and 50 minute trip. I grieved the loss of our baby and I cried tears of joy for what I was about to witness. Bitter sweet tears.
I arrived at the hospital at 4pm and was greated by friends and family. Not much had happend since she had been admitted at 8am that morning. So we waited...and waited...and waited... I was introduced to several of the baby's father's family members and they embrassed me like I had known them all their lives. It made the 10 hours I spent with them that night so much easier.
Of course all the ladies started sharing their birth stories, how long they were in labor, how many pushes it took, the pain and joy. I just sat there. I was unable to contribute to the conversation. Our miscarage was like an elephant in the room, they all knew, no one asked. In fact, no one made eye contact with me while they were sharing their stories. As tears welled in my eyes my friend's mom asked me to join her in getting something to drink. The instant we were behind closed doors the tears flooded and she held me. I so did not want this to be about me!!! And the grandma-to-be of all people didn't need me crying. She reminded me that I had a beautiful daughter at home. Honestly, this did not make me feel better. I know we have a beautiful daughter, whom I love more than life itself. But that does not change the fact that I am still greiving.
After I collected myself and joined the others we continued to wait. I took my turns going back to sit with my friend. I truely love my friend, she has been my sister sinse our first day of college when we met, but it was still so hard. She asked how I was and I chose the "oh, tired by good" reply. (my usual answer these days) I couldn't tell her that while I was so excited for her I was equally dying inside.
Into the wee hours of the morning we continued to wait. By 1:30a I had had so much coffee I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was mesmerized by the monitors and the friendly competition with the women down the hall. (Have you seen the episode of Friends when Rachel goes into the labor, same thing) I was singing into my friend's belling begging the baby to come out. It was getting late and I needed to head for home. I wanted to make sure I was awake enough to make the drive home. So at 2:00a I packed up my things, said my good-byes and headed for home.
Baby H arrived at 6:10am weighing in at 8# 4oz, 22" long and a full head of hair. I took a half day at work and headed back to the hospital. Not sure how I would handle this I got my crying out of the way before I got out of my van in the parking lot. All I can say is SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Oh my gosh. And my friend, who just 7 months ago found out her life was going change forever looked so natural holding her daughter. So content. So at peace. I held H for as long as I could and soaked up her smell, her snuggles and the inocence. I stayed for just over an hour or so and headed home. No tears this time, just a smile.
Sitting here typing this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, tears of pain and tears of the future. I am so ready not to cry. So ready to just feel normal again. I know that day is coming, I just wish I would hurry up and get here.
4 comments:
OH Kelly... I wish I could say "I know what you are going through", I wish I could say "I understand", I wish I could say "I feel your pain"... in the same note, I hope I never have to say those things. (Un)Fortunately I can't say anything to make the pain ease, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I do strongly believe that talking about your pain is exactly what you need. When my best friend had a miscarriage, it was awkward at first. For two months all we talked about was the baby... how was she feeling, could she feel the baby, what names were they thinking, was it a girl or a boy... I had already bought clothes for the baby. Then suddenly, the baby was gone. I will never forget the first time we went out to dinner after the miscarriage. There was this 'weird space' between us (something that was NEVER there before). Finally, because of the person I am, I asked "Can you talk about it?" She started crying, we hugged and I told her the same thing I opened this comment with. While I don't understand, I don't know what you are going through, I don't feel the pain you are feeling, I am here and I am willing to listen, to understand, to give a shoulder to cry on. I do this because there might be a day that your pain becomes my reality and I hope (pray) that I have people in my life that will do the same to me.
Sending you hugs, love, and happy thoughts as you slowly begin to heal from one of the most traumatic losses you will ever experience.
Great honest post.
Wow. You are SO BRAVE for being there in the ways that you did for your friend. I had a lump in my throat reading your post and tears in my eyes ... and I know that you had to struggle so much to be there at the hospital and in the delivery room. It must have been SO HARD to sit there in the "pregnancy story" circle. I'm so, so sorry. You are such a beautiful person for being there for your friend as you did ... I'll be praying for you this holiday season. I'm not sure of the right words to say, but I'll be praying for you, for sure.
What a difficult thing! I'm so glad you were able to be there for your friend and get through it!
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