Friday, April 27, 2012
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I have been doing so well and this morning I had a major setback. While in the shower this morning, as though it just happened yesterday, I had this flash back from when I was back in the ER lying on the table staring at the ultrasound screen. Seeing my baby, but not seeing a heartbeat. Just this still form. The tears came rushing back and this incredible feeling of panic and loss came over me. Why can't I get that image out of my mind? Why when I am just going about my business do I close my eyes and see it?
Even as I sit here typing, hours after the fact, I am instantly brought to tears uncontrollable sobs.
Not that I would ever trade the 8 weeks I got to experience pregnancy, but I wonder if it would have just been easier to have never experienced it at all. I was fine before this, loving my kids and was content with the way things were. Sure, there were days of sorrow of not having a biological child, but those few days of sorrow were NOTHING compared to what I am feeling now. I am sure people are sick of my break downs by now. It will be a year in June; you’d think I’d be over this by now. But I’m not. It’s getting harder to smile and nod at people when I just want to hide under my bed and cry.
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3 comments:
There is NO right or wrong way to feel. It doesn't matter what other people think. I don't think its wrong for you to still miss and grieve for your baby ... one tiny bit. You long to meet them on earth. It's natural as a human being.
I'm so sorry you are in pain and wish I could do something for you. Know that prayers are coming your way.
I am so sorry. There is nor right way to grieve a loss like this. Time is an amazing healer but it doesn't mean that the tears won't still come, you lost something so precious. Your heart remembers. Wishing you peace xx
8 years this summer I lost my dad and I can still close my eyes and be exactly where I was when I learned the news. Don't even have to close my eyes really. The things that we want so much and can't get back I think are the hardest to grieve. Don't put yourself in anyone else's time frame of grief. Pray for you often.
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