A friend of mine who miscarried two years ago called me yesterday with exciting news...she and her husband are pregnant!!! I jumped up and down and screamed with her over the phone! Tears of pure joy ran down my face as I thanked God for his blessing in their lives! I am 100% excited for them and not 1% jealous. They have waited for this day to come and now that it's here I can't wait to continue to celebrate along with them. This friend has been with me every step of the way, crying with me, knowing just when to call and check in on me...she's been there too, she understands. Back in February she told me that she was finally over her miscarriage and whatever God has planned for her (and her husband) she was okay with. They conceived in February!
Although I am completely excited for them it makes me wonder. God knows the desires of our hearts and if we ask him for our desires, and they are in his plan, HE will make it happen in HIS time. So I think: What if it is not in God’s plan for me to ever give birth. If he knows it is in the deep desire of my heart, why won’t He give it to me? Have I not been faithful enough? Have I not trusted in him enough? Am I living a pipe dream having this desire within me? Looking at my kids I know I am supposed to be their mom, but will the desire of giving birth ever go away? Will the twinge of sorrow, even though it’s just the tiniest bit, ever go away when I see my coworkers, dear friends, teenage daughter, sisters in law with child? Again, my sadness does not outweigh my pure joy and excitement for each of them.
I have been invited to two baby showers in April. Both unplanned pregnancies, both not married, both dear family friends. Oh, did I mention the showers are both in the same weekend? Yeah, nice. I know.
I love The Message translation of Jeremiah 29:11 I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
I hold on to the first part “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out” The last part “plans to give you the future you hope for” I’m still working on…In all honesty; my life today is not the life I had planned for. I did not plan for my daughter to be dark skinned. I did not plan for my son to call me by my first name. But I hold tight to the promise that God knows what he’s doing. I have to.
I hope I do not sound ungrateful for all that I do have and I love both my children beyond words. But will that void ever go away? I cannot wait until I get to heaven and finally hold our little one. Will I know her/him right away? Will I have to search for her or will she be waiting for me; standing in the front of the line waiting…Will she be as excited to meet me as I am to meet her…face to face…finally?
I know all these feelings are surfacing again because we are coming upon April 20th…our conception date. Praying God will fill the void in my heart that I thought was full enough.
1 comment:
Oh, I'm overjoyed for your friend as well!!! What a miracle!
I wish I could give you an answer or clue about why God gives "unplanned" pregnancies when he could give them to you instead. I think that all the time. But I hope that your hindsight in a few weeks, months or years will give you a little peace. And especially comfort that you have a saint in heaven. These human emotions are so darn hard sometimes.
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