Content

Okay, this blog has nothing to do with the kids, it's about me this morning. I had an "aah ha" moment last night and I wanted to share my heart with you. I haven't been feeling "right" for about a week and a half now. Not sick, just not 100%. I've been nauseous, stomach ache, funky RR experiences (I won't go into detail), tired all the time. I chucked it up to being a woman, the weather and the time change. I was talking to a few co workers yesterday and the question of pregnancy was brought up. "Are you pregnant?" one asked. My first gut reaction was to laugh, how could I be? But the more I thought about it, the more it started to make sense. I made a doctor's appointment for this Friday, just to get checked out. After work Jon and I were talking about it and it was a weird conversation...we hadn't talked about being pregnant in almost two years now. Wow... Then around 9pm I got a call on my work phone from one of my co workers asking if I was at home, "Yes" she said to go check my mailbox and call her later. I went out and found a birthday card and a pregnancy test shoved way in the back of the box. I had to laugh. I decided to take the test right away. I really didn't think I was pregnant, but hey, a free test, so why not?! Jon asked if I was nervous and for the first time in four years, I was not. Obviously I would be over the moon if it was positive, but if not, for the first time I would be completely 100% okay with that. Of course it was negative, just like I thought...nothing...no disappointment, no tears, nothing. I shared with Jon that I am content just the way things are and I am not at all upset that it was negative. I truly feel that God's hand is over my heart, protecting it. Do I still grieve a little on the thought that I will probably never carry a baby? Of course, I believe it's only natural. But then I look at Aliya (and Joel) and know that my children didn't have to grow in my belly to be mine, they grew in my heart and God's hands and what more can a mother ask for?