It's been awhile

So our computer is still down, but it's in "safe mode" so we can at least get on the internet. So much has happened in the past few months...not sure if I should pick up where I left off last, or just start at today.

Our world has completely been turned upside-down. After years of being told by our doctors that conceiving a child together would been near impossible on 5/16/11 we found out I was pregnant. Totally by chance I took a test, not EVER thinking I was pregnant (in fact I even told Jon it was broken and he needed to buy another one)The following week I went to the doctor and it was confirmed we were 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Jon's mom was in in town that week so we were able to tell her in person! The baby's heart rate was on the low end, but our doctor reassured us everything was fine. She ordered another ultra sound the following week just to make sure and only having one kidney raised a bit of concern to the doctor so she referred me back to my nephologist.. That was the longest week of my life. I couldn't believe God would bless us with a baby just for something to be wrong. EVERYONE we knew (at least, those we'd told already) were praying for us. I was so scared, every twinge, every pain I was convinced something was wrong. But on Friday June 8th we got to see the baby again, heart beating strong and hard. I finally exhaled.

We started telling everyone we knew about the baby, looking back now it was too early, but after years of being on the receiving end of the "guess what, we're pregnant (again)" calls, it felt SO good to be the one making the big announcement. And frankly the more people praying for us the better!

On Wednesday June 15th, one month after our positive test, I started bleeding. FREAKING OUT I called my doctor and spoke with the nurse. She assured me everything was fine, but in my heart I knew different. The bleeding continued and I called the nurse again, every day. And every day she told me the same thing, I was fine. When I called Friday I requested an ultrasound the following week, just to make sure. She said she would make a note in my file. By Saturday I paged the doctor, she too tried to reassure me everything was okay. I did not like what I was hearing so we packed up and heading to the ER. After a full round of tests it was confirmed that we had lost the baby and I had a UTI. Tired and defeated we headed home.

Telling the kids was the hardest part, they both had been so excited for the baby. I continued to pray that God would show me His plan for all of this and the following is what I came up with (true or not, this is what got me through this):

God knew the deep down desire of my heart to be pregnant. (even after years of saying out loud that I was fine, I know there was a tiny little place in the very back of my heart that longed for it) So God, being the amazing father that he is, gave me my hearts desire. He allowed me to see our baby's heart twice, he allowed me to have the symptoms of pregnancy, everything I had ever asked for. BUT my wanting and HIS knowing are two totally different things. So after giving me what I wanted, HE knew what I needed so he took his gift back and is holding her until we can. Maybe my remaining kidney isn't strong enough.

(I have since left the doctor I was seeing, that in itself was DRAMA and horrible. I will not post about that, because I am still SO angry about everything) and I have seen my Nephologist. I am at the top end of stage two kidney failure. Still very healthy, with plenty of functioning left and could still safely carry a child, but just not at this time. When? Not sure...could be next month, could be next year, could be never.

I am still grieving. I still haven't taken the ultrasound pictures off the refrigerator yet. I still cry every once in awhile. I still question God at times. BUT one thing I don't do is worry. I am 100% confident that I will meet my little one some day in heaven. And you know what, if I never get pregnant again I can now say I am 100% okay with that. I got to experience pregnancy, if only for a month and a half, what more could I ask for? I got to see our little one's heart beating twice! So as I sit and look at the two beautiful kids God did give me, neither of them that came from my belly, but from my heart I can only thank God that I am the most blessed mommy in the world and one day will finally get to meet the one that did grown inside of me!