I really thought I'd be further along in my healing by now, but in all honesty, I'm not. Most days I'm fine, but others I just cry and cry. My best friend is pregnant, two of my sisters-in-law are pregnant and we just found out two weeks that our dear friend's (just turned) 18 year old daughter is pregnant. That announcement was the icing on the cake for me I think.
Like a ton of bricks dropped on my heart I lost it. Right in the middle of bible study I broke down. I'm not angry at God, or even this young lady, I truly think I'm jealous. And I hate that about myself. I've never been the jealous type really, but right now I am. Sometimes the thought consume me (healthy, I know right).
I hope I don't sound ungrateful for the two beautiful children God has blessed me with, because I love them more than life itself, I really do...but there is a hole in my heart that only God can fill.
I finally took the ultra sound pictures off of the refrigerator and put them in my bible. (in Ephesians) Where they will stay until an unknown time.
I would have been 24 weeks today. I truly thought this dark feeling would have passed by now...
If you pray, I'm asking for it right now please. I need to get past this so I can function and be the wife and mother my husband and children need.
4 comments:
Oh Kelly, my heart aches for you just reading this and as far as hearing pregnancy news from others I totally understand. Of course we are happy for the miracle our friends and family have been blessed with, but I know for me as soon as I hear the news, I think when is it gonna be my turn? What have I done wrong, I promise to do anything as long as I can have that same miracle. I know I would not trade Miss Lindsey for anything in the world, but it is not the same. I will admit I do pray, probably not as often as I should, and I give thanks for being blessed with a wonderful family, friends, and our health...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there sweetie!
I am so very, very sorry for the pain and hurt you are experiencing! You are only human in your emotions, and I can totally understand the jealousy. I hope you continue to share how you feel, so I can continue to pray for you.
Oh Kelly, I haven't been reading blogs lately...I just saw your news. I'm so very sorry. I will definitely be praying for you. The pain is suffocating at times and the pain of hearing others good news only makes it worse. (We've been told we could never conceive, and have 3x, very early losses all 3 times.) ((hugs & prayers)) Take care of yourself so you can take care of the 2 you have on this earth right now.
Just visiting your blog for the first time. I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't know how it is to lose a baby, but I do relate to the pregnancy announcements
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