Super Cute!!

In honor of Mother's Day we attended our old church last night to witness some very speical friends dedicate their two sons. It was great to worship next to our friends and love on them after. Prior to the dedication part of the service they played this video. It's super cute, I hope you'll check it out! (make sure your sound is up for it!)

Amazing Giveaway!

This book looks great! For a chance to win it please go Here

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I have been doing so well and this morning I had a major setback. While in the shower this morning, as though it just happened yesterday, I had this flash back from when I was back in the ER lying on the table staring at the ultrasound screen. Seeing my baby, but not seeing a heartbeat. Just this still form. The tears came rushing back and this incredible feeling of panic and loss came over me. Why can't I get that image out of my mind? Why when I am just going about my business do I close my eyes and see it? Even as I sit here typing, hours after the fact, I am instantly brought to tears uncontrollable sobs. Not that I would ever trade the 8 weeks I got to experience pregnancy, but I wonder if it would have just been easier to have never experienced it at all. I was fine before this, loving my kids and was content with the way things were. Sure, there were days of sorrow of not having a biological child, but those few days of sorrow were NOTHING compared to what I am feeling now. I am sure people are sick of my break downs by now. It will be a year in June; you’d think I’d be over this by now. But I’m not. It’s getting harder to smile and nod at people when I just want to hide under my bed and cry.

LOVE THIS!!

I wonder if our teens would understand the true meaning of Easter better if they watched this...

Why God?

There have been very few times in my life that I have truly questioned God. This past Friday was one of them. The friend who just found out she's expecting (the one I wrote about last week) called me Friday evening with horrible news. She has an ectopic pregnancy and had to end her pregnancy in order for her to survive. Why God? Why after restoring her faith and freeing her heart from the burden of the miscarriage would God bless her with a pregnancy where the baby could not survive? To make her choose, her life or the baby's, why?

We sat together at church Saturday night and cried, sobbing so hard after that neither of us could breathe. I don't get it. I don't understand. Why did this happen? Why this way?

I'm adding this to my list of questions to ask God when I make it to heaven someday.

Class Treats

Source: thecraftingchicks.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Aliya's class made these today as their afternoon craft/snack. I can't wait to see all the pictures tomorrow! Hopefully the teachers will give me the pictures of Aliya making hers so I can post them!!

Pure Joy! (for real)

A friend of mine who miscarried two years ago called me yesterday with exciting news...she and her husband are pregnant!!! I jumped up and down and screamed with her over the phone! Tears of pure joy ran down my face as I thanked God for his blessing in their lives! I am 100% excited for them and not 1% jealous. They have waited for this day to come and now that it's here I can't wait to continue to celebrate along with them. This friend has been with me every step of the way, crying with me, knowing just when to call and check in on me...she's been there too, she understands. Back in February she told me that she was finally over her miscarriage and whatever God has planned for her (and her husband) she was okay with. They conceived in February!

Although I am completely excited for them it makes me wonder. God knows the desires of our hearts and if we ask him for our desires, and they are in his plan, HE will make it happen in HIS time. So I think: What if it is not in God’s plan for me to ever give birth. If he knows it is in the deep desire of my heart, why won’t He give it to me? Have I not been faithful enough? Have I not trusted in him enough? Am I living a pipe dream having this desire within me? Looking at my kids I know I am supposed to be their mom, but will the desire of giving birth ever go away? Will the twinge of sorrow, even though it’s just the tiniest bit, ever go away when I see my coworkers, dear friends, teenage daughter, sisters in law with child? Again, my sadness does not outweigh my pure joy and excitement for each of them.

I have been invited to two baby showers in April. Both unplanned pregnancies, both not married, both dear family friends. Oh, did I mention the showers are both in the same weekend? Yeah, nice. I know.

I love The Message translation of Jeremiah 29:11 I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

I hold on to the first part “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out” The last part “plans to give you the future you hope for” I’m still working on…In all honesty; my life today is not the life I had planned for. I did not plan for my daughter to be dark skinned. I did not plan for my son to call me by my first name. But I hold tight to the promise that God knows what he’s doing. I have to.

I hope I do not sound ungrateful for all that I do have and I love both my children beyond words. But will that void ever go away? I cannot wait until I get to heaven and finally hold our little one. Will I know her/him right away? Will I have to search for her or will she be waiting for me; standing in the front of the line waiting…Will she be as excited to meet me as I am to meet her…face to face…finally?

I know all these feelings are surfacing again because we are coming upon April 20th…our conception date. Praying God will fill the void in my heart that I thought was full enough.