So our computer is still down, but it's in "safe mode" so we can at least get on the internet. So much has happened in the past few months...not sure if I should pick up where I left off last, or just start at today.
Our world has completely been turned upside-down. After years of being told by our doctors that conceiving a child together would been near impossible on 5/16/11 we found out I was pregnant. Totally by chance I took a test, not EVER thinking I was pregnant (in fact I even told Jon it was broken and he needed to buy another one)The following week I went to the doctor and it was confirmed we were 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Jon's mom was in in town that week so we were able to tell her in person! The baby's heart rate was on the low end, but our doctor reassured us everything was fine. She ordered another ultra sound the following week just to make sure and only having one kidney raised a bit of concern to the doctor so she referred me back to my nephologist.. That was the longest week of my life. I couldn't believe God would bless us with a baby just for something to be wrong. EVERYONE we knew (at least, those we'd told already) were praying for us. I was so scared, every twinge, every pain I was convinced something was wrong. But on Friday June 8th we got to see the baby again, heart beating strong and hard. I finally exhaled.
We started telling everyone we knew about the baby, looking back now it was too early, but after years of being on the receiving end of the "guess what, we're pregnant (again)" calls, it felt SO good to be the one making the big announcement. And frankly the more people praying for us the better!
On Wednesday June 15th, one month after our positive test, I started bleeding. FREAKING OUT I called my doctor and spoke with the nurse. She assured me everything was fine, but in my heart I knew different. The bleeding continued and I called the nurse again, every day. And every day she told me the same thing, I was fine. When I called Friday I requested an ultrasound the following week, just to make sure. She said she would make a note in my file. By Saturday I paged the doctor, she too tried to reassure me everything was okay. I did not like what I was hearing so we packed up and heading to the ER. After a full round of tests it was confirmed that we had lost the baby and I had a UTI. Tired and defeated we headed home.
Telling the kids was the hardest part, they both had been so excited for the baby. I continued to pray that God would show me His plan for all of this and the following is what I came up with (true or not, this is what got me through this):
God knew the deep down desire of my heart to be pregnant. (even after years of saying out loud that I was fine, I know there was a tiny little place in the very back of my heart that longed for it) So God, being the amazing father that he is, gave me my hearts desire. He allowed me to see our baby's heart twice, he allowed me to have the symptoms of pregnancy, everything I had ever asked for. BUT my wanting and HIS knowing are two totally different things. So after giving me what I wanted, HE knew what I needed so he took his gift back and is holding her until we can. Maybe my remaining kidney isn't strong enough.
(I have since left the doctor I was seeing, that in itself was DRAMA and horrible. I will not post about that, because I am still SO angry about everything) and I have seen my Nephologist. I am at the top end of stage two kidney failure. Still very healthy, with plenty of functioning left and could still safely carry a child, but just not at this time. When? Not sure...could be next month, could be next year, could be never.
I am still grieving. I still haven't taken the ultrasound pictures off the refrigerator yet. I still cry every once in awhile. I still question God at times. BUT one thing I don't do is worry. I am 100% confident that I will meet my little one some day in heaven. And you know what, if I never get pregnant again I can now say I am 100% okay with that. I got to experience pregnancy, if only for a month and a half, what more could I ask for? I got to see our little one's heart beating twice! So as I sit and look at the two beautiful kids God did give me, neither of them that came from my belly, but from my heart I can only thank God that I am the most blessed mommy in the world and one day will finally get to meet the one that did grown inside of me!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
crash
Our computer has offically died. We will be saving up for a new one soon, hopefully. I miss my blog world. So until we are back up and running I will miss all your updates!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Joel got "Bat-a-tized"
(as said by Aliya)
Joel got baptized last night!! What a great way to spend Good Friday! I took the day off of work yesterday to clean the house and prepare for our company. My folks came into town and took Joel to the Creation Museum. . They had a wonderful time!!
We grilled out (well, Jon grilled...in the pouring rain...) and had the family over before we headed over to the church. Joel didn't want a cake, he asked for a cookie cake, so I tried my best!!!
There were 30 people signed up to be baptized last night and over 120 ended up taking the plunge! IT WAS AWESOME! Our small group came and gathered around the hot tub to celebrate with Joel. I honestly think he was more excited that his church family was there than he was with is family family. His mom and step-dad (grandma, grandpa and Aunt) came too. It was nice. We didn't sit with them, but I did go up and sit next to Tracy during the baptism part of the service. It was such a blessing to have them with us (Joel) for this HUGE step in his faith.
After service we spent time with our small group, our extended family. The kids ran around and the adults sat and talked. Everyone went around the room and said what their favorite part of the service was and almost all of them said Joel's baptism. They truly love him and that makes my heart smile.
My mom took a million pictures and I have a video of Joel's baptism (I just have to figure out how to get it off my blackberry). So, as soon as mom sends me the pictures I will post them!!
Joel got baptized last night!! What a great way to spend Good Friday! I took the day off of work yesterday to clean the house and prepare for our company. My folks came into town and took Joel to the Creation Museum. . They had a wonderful time!!
We grilled out (well, Jon grilled...in the pouring rain...) and had the family over before we headed over to the church. Joel didn't want a cake, he asked for a cookie cake, so I tried my best!!!
There were 30 people signed up to be baptized last night and over 120 ended up taking the plunge! IT WAS AWESOME! Our small group came and gathered around the hot tub to celebrate with Joel. I honestly think he was more excited that his church family was there than he was with is family family. His mom and step-dad (grandma, grandpa and Aunt) came too. It was nice. We didn't sit with them, but I did go up and sit next to Tracy during the baptism part of the service. It was such a blessing to have them with us (Joel) for this HUGE step in his faith.
After service we spent time with our small group, our extended family. The kids ran around and the adults sat and talked. Everyone went around the room and said what their favorite part of the service was and almost all of them said Joel's baptism. They truly love him and that makes my heart smile.
My mom took a million pictures and I have a video of Joel's baptism (I just have to figure out how to get it off my blackberry). So, as soon as mom sends me the pictures I will post them!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Got Me Thinking
We attended another funeral this morning, Jon's Uncle on his dad's side. It was a military funeral with the 21 gun solute and Taps. I cried and cried, even though I'd only met the man a few times.
I always do this, during every funeral I attend my mind starts to drift and I begin planning my funeral. What songs I want, what flowers, open or closed casket, you know the normal funeral stuff. And I always end up wondering the same thing, will people come to my funeral when I die? Have I made an impact in this world to anyone besides my husband and kids? Please don't think I'm selfish or self centered, that is not where I'm going with this. I just wonder.
So as we gathered on this freezing cold morning to say good-bye to Uncle Dave I am thankful he had family and friends gathered around his wife and kids...there were not many in attendance, but the ones that were there loved this man more than life its self. And someday, I pray that even if only six people come to my funeral it will be the most amazing celebration of life those six people have ever been to.
I always do this, during every funeral I attend my mind starts to drift and I begin planning my funeral. What songs I want, what flowers, open or closed casket, you know the normal funeral stuff. And I always end up wondering the same thing, will people come to my funeral when I die? Have I made an impact in this world to anyone besides my husband and kids? Please don't think I'm selfish or self centered, that is not where I'm going with this. I just wonder.
So as we gathered on this freezing cold morning to say good-bye to Uncle Dave I am thankful he had family and friends gathered around his wife and kids...there were not many in attendance, but the ones that were there loved this man more than life its self. And someday, I pray that even if only six people come to my funeral it will be the most amazing celebration of life those six people have ever been to.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Look What We Did!!!
Last week was a very busy week. Besides work, it was my birthday. I am officially "in" my thirties now, I'm 31. Age doesn't bother me, I don't get stressed out over it. I don't understand why people freak out about getting older, it's a part of life and with age comes wisdom (apparently I still have a lot of aging to do, because I'm still not very wise! But I'm hoping some day I will be!)
My birthday week came to an end on Friday evening when Jon and myself (along with our small group from church and my mom and step dad) attended "Love Worth Fighting For" with Kirk Cameron, a marriage seminar. HERE It was awesome!
Saturday evening was spent with my dad, step-mom, younger sister, younger brother and his fiance at the Chinese buffet! We ate way too much and enjoyed every minute of it. My step-mom has started making jewelry and WOW, what beautiful stuff! As my birthday gift she let me pick out a few items from her collection. I will have to take a picture of the necklace and earrings I picked out! I can't wait to wear them and show off her talent. So as we were looking at her earrings Aliya announces to the group that she wants some too. I tried to explain to her that she doesn't have her ears pierced so she can't wear any of grandma Kris' earrings. She seemed satisfied with my answer and went about eating her dinner.
After dinner we were sitting around the table chatting and again Aliya announces that she wants earrings and that she wants to get her ears pierced, right now, tonight, on the way home. I told her to ask her father and winked at her. She slowly made her way over to where he was sitting and asked him if she could get her ears pierced. He told her to wait until she was four. Yeah right! Like that answer was going to fly with her. She had an agenda on her mind and she was set that it was going to happen that night. So she moved on to the next person, my little sister, Sheri. Now sweet kind Aunt Sheri, could she say no to that adorable little face??? Nope! We decided that we would just stop by the mall on the way home (just us girls) to price out ear piercing. I told Aliya we were just going to look. She told me "I'm ready mommy, I can do it". We went on to talk about how much it would hurt, like way worse than a shot. Confident that would scare her I thought she would drop the subject...
Oh no! Boy was I wrong. We pulled into the mall (an outdoor mall) and she squealed with excitement. My sister, Sheri, was caravaning behind me as we looked for parking spots near the store. Still trying to convince Miss Aliya it was going to hurt A LOT and maybe we should just look and ask questions tonight we found our spot. (Oh, I forgot to mention that little miss hadn't had a nap all day, so her emotions were intensified and in full swing this evening) As we entered the store her eyes lit up, much like mine do when I enter Starbucks. All the pretty jewelry was hers for the taking, but the only thing that she had her eyes on were the the earrings.
We went over and I spoke with the assistant manager about the cost and the procedure of getting a little one's ears pierced. After filling out a form and Aliya picking the starter set she wanted there was no turning back. She climbed up on the chair and helped herself to a sucker. You would have thought the child was 6 years old the way she sat there. Still, quiet and excited! One more time I asked her if she was sure and if she realized it was going to hurt, she said she was ready.
Below is how the rest of the event took place
Getting the purple dots on her ears to show where the earrings were going to go
Sitting still like a statue (the assistant manager's words, I don't think Aliya has a clue what a statue is, but she sat still like one)
Don't mind if I do, thanks! (as she helps herself to a sucker)At this point she still has no clue about how bad this is about to hurt. I am on my knees in front of her sitting on the floor. My palms are sweating and this is when I'm informed that this part is worse for the mom's, not the child.
OOOUUUCCCHHH!!!! She cried for about 45 seconds and that was it!
And we're back to the sucker! (which spent a few seconds in my hair while I was consoling her after the initial pain/shock)
"Cheese" All done!
Thanks Aunt Sheri for the belated birthday gift!! Sheri had said she would go in for part of the cost of the earrings (they aren't cheap!), but when we got up to pay she had already taken care of the bill! What an awesome gift!!
Once the initial shock of the whole ordeal set in I realized that Jon said Aliya needed to wait until she was four to do this. HOLY CRAP! What did I just do!?!? What was he going to say?!?! It's not like I could turn back the hands of time and take the earrings out! I knew he couldn't be upset with Aliya, but would he be upset with me for doing it anyway?! I got so caught up in the moment...how bad could it be, right? I shouldn't have been worried a bit, he LOVES them!! He told me later that he knew she'd come home with pierced ears and he wasn't upset in the least!!! (and exhale)
Aliya is doing a great job of leaving them alone and letting me clean and "twist them" several times a day! I'm so proud of her!!!
My birthday week came to an end on Friday evening when Jon and myself (along with our small group from church and my mom and step dad) attended "Love Worth Fighting For" with Kirk Cameron, a marriage seminar. HERE It was awesome!
Saturday evening was spent with my dad, step-mom, younger sister, younger brother and his fiance at the Chinese buffet! We ate way too much and enjoyed every minute of it. My step-mom has started making jewelry and WOW, what beautiful stuff! As my birthday gift she let me pick out a few items from her collection. I will have to take a picture of the necklace and earrings I picked out! I can't wait to wear them and show off her talent. So as we were looking at her earrings Aliya announces to the group that she wants some too. I tried to explain to her that she doesn't have her ears pierced so she can't wear any of grandma Kris' earrings. She seemed satisfied with my answer and went about eating her dinner.
After dinner we were sitting around the table chatting and again Aliya announces that she wants earrings and that she wants to get her ears pierced, right now, tonight, on the way home. I told her to ask her father and winked at her. She slowly made her way over to where he was sitting and asked him if she could get her ears pierced. He told her to wait until she was four. Yeah right! Like that answer was going to fly with her. She had an agenda on her mind and she was set that it was going to happen that night. So she moved on to the next person, my little sister, Sheri. Now sweet kind Aunt Sheri, could she say no to that adorable little face??? Nope! We decided that we would just stop by the mall on the way home (just us girls) to price out ear piercing. I told Aliya we were just going to look. She told me "I'm ready mommy, I can do it". We went on to talk about how much it would hurt, like way worse than a shot. Confident that would scare her I thought she would drop the subject...
Oh no! Boy was I wrong. We pulled into the mall (an outdoor mall) and she squealed with excitement. My sister, Sheri, was caravaning behind me as we looked for parking spots near the store. Still trying to convince Miss Aliya it was going to hurt A LOT and maybe we should just look and ask questions tonight we found our spot. (Oh, I forgot to mention that little miss hadn't had a nap all day, so her emotions were intensified and in full swing this evening) As we entered the store her eyes lit up, much like mine do when I enter Starbucks. All the pretty jewelry was hers for the taking, but the only thing that she had her eyes on were the the earrings.
We went over and I spoke with the assistant manager about the cost and the procedure of getting a little one's ears pierced. After filling out a form and Aliya picking the starter set she wanted there was no turning back. She climbed up on the chair and helped herself to a sucker. You would have thought the child was 6 years old the way she sat there. Still, quiet and excited! One more time I asked her if she was sure and if she realized it was going to hurt, she said she was ready.
Below is how the rest of the event took place
Getting the purple dots on her ears to show where the earrings were going to go
Sitting still like a statue (the assistant manager's words, I don't think Aliya has a clue what a statue is, but she sat still like one)
Don't mind if I do, thanks! (as she helps herself to a sucker)At this point she still has no clue about how bad this is about to hurt. I am on my knees in front of her sitting on the floor. My palms are sweating and this is when I'm informed that this part is worse for the mom's, not the child.
OOOUUUCCCHHH!!!! She cried for about 45 seconds and that was it!
And we're back to the sucker! (which spent a few seconds in my hair while I was consoling her after the initial pain/shock)
"Cheese" All done!
Thanks Aunt Sheri for the belated birthday gift!! Sheri had said she would go in for part of the cost of the earrings (they aren't cheap!), but when we got up to pay she had already taken care of the bill! What an awesome gift!!
Once the initial shock of the whole ordeal set in I realized that Jon said Aliya needed to wait until she was four to do this. HOLY CRAP! What did I just do!?!? What was he going to say?!?! It's not like I could turn back the hands of time and take the earrings out! I knew he couldn't be upset with Aliya, but would he be upset with me for doing it anyway?! I got so caught up in the moment...how bad could it be, right? I shouldn't have been worried a bit, he LOVES them!! He told me later that he knew she'd come home with pierced ears and he wasn't upset in the least!!! (and exhale)
Aliya is doing a great job of leaving them alone and letting me clean and "twist them" several times a day! I'm so proud of her!!!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Maybe next trip
I heard back from Aliya's birthmom last night. She already has plans today so we won't be meeting up with her. Thankfully I didn't say anything to Aliya, so she's not disapointed this time!
Maybe next trip!
Maybe next trip!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Hopefully
We might be meeting up with Aliya's birthmom for a visit this weekend!! I spoke with her on the phone yesterday for the first time since her mother's funeral. It was a quick chat (she was on break at work and I was walking into work), but it was good. Every time Aliya sits on my lap here at the computer she sees pictures of our one and only visit (or of her on facebook) and get so excited and says, "Hey, there's my birthmom!!!!" I'm hoping we can make connections this weekend!
Hopefully more to come...
Hopefully more to come...
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