Class Treats

Source: thecraftingchicks.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Aliya's class made these today as their afternoon craft/snack. I can't wait to see all the pictures tomorrow! Hopefully the teachers will give me the pictures of Aliya making hers so I can post them!!

Pure Joy! (for real)

A friend of mine who miscarried two years ago called me yesterday with exciting news...she and her husband are pregnant!!! I jumped up and down and screamed with her over the phone! Tears of pure joy ran down my face as I thanked God for his blessing in their lives! I am 100% excited for them and not 1% jealous. They have waited for this day to come and now that it's here I can't wait to continue to celebrate along with them. This friend has been with me every step of the way, crying with me, knowing just when to call and check in on me...she's been there too, she understands. Back in February she told me that she was finally over her miscarriage and whatever God has planned for her (and her husband) she was okay with. They conceived in February!

Although I am completely excited for them it makes me wonder. God knows the desires of our hearts and if we ask him for our desires, and they are in his plan, HE will make it happen in HIS time. So I think: What if it is not in God’s plan for me to ever give birth. If he knows it is in the deep desire of my heart, why won’t He give it to me? Have I not been faithful enough? Have I not trusted in him enough? Am I living a pipe dream having this desire within me? Looking at my kids I know I am supposed to be their mom, but will the desire of giving birth ever go away? Will the twinge of sorrow, even though it’s just the tiniest bit, ever go away when I see my coworkers, dear friends, teenage daughter, sisters in law with child? Again, my sadness does not outweigh my pure joy and excitement for each of them.

I have been invited to two baby showers in April. Both unplanned pregnancies, both not married, both dear family friends. Oh, did I mention the showers are both in the same weekend? Yeah, nice. I know.

I love The Message translation of Jeremiah 29:11 I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

I hold on to the first part “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out” The last part “plans to give you the future you hope for” I’m still working on…In all honesty; my life today is not the life I had planned for. I did not plan for my daughter to be dark skinned. I did not plan for my son to call me by my first name. But I hold tight to the promise that God knows what he’s doing. I have to.

I hope I do not sound ungrateful for all that I do have and I love both my children beyond words. But will that void ever go away? I cannot wait until I get to heaven and finally hold our little one. Will I know her/him right away? Will I have to search for her or will she be waiting for me; standing in the front of the line waiting…Will she be as excited to meet me as I am to meet her…face to face…finally?

I know all these feelings are surfacing again because we are coming upon April 20th…our conception date. Praying God will fill the void in my heart that I thought was full enough.

Saturday

I cried for the first time in weeks Saturday night at church. My heart was breaking, but was releaved at the same time. I have the baby blues BIG TIME! But am so releaved my heart is healing and moving on...

Dear baby,

Hi baby!
I've thought about writing this letter for weeks now and and that I'm sitting here, I'm almost at a loss for words. We should have met you today but instead I sit here writing to you. I want you to know that you were loved from the minute we found out you were in my belly. I wanted you for so long and was convinced we'd never have you. But there you were; your little heart beating. So many people were praying for you and I continue to pray for you today.
I can't wait to meet you someday in heaven. Your daddy misses you too, and your big brother and sister still talk about you. Aliya is convinced you are a girl. We will one day find out. We didn't even get the chance to name you, I wonder what Jesus calls you? I wonder if you hear me when I talk to you each night. Do you hear me tell you I miss you and that I love you?
(This is harder than I thought it would be)
How do you love someone so much that you never got to hold or even hear? I don't know the answer to this question, but I do know that I love you still. You were an answer to a prayer that was long overdue. Sometimes at night when I'm lying next to daddy in bed I imagine what you look like. Do you have redish hair like mine, or green eyes like daddy. I know you don't have dark skin like your sister, but I imagine you have her kind spirit and faith. Are you funny like your brother?
What is heaven like? Is Grandma taking good care of you until I can hold you? Why did God have to take you so early? Why does it still hurt when I think about you? Why is it that lying in bed at night I can talk to you for hours, but now my words are few?
I saw a rainbow a few weeks ago , I thought of you. The rainbow ended right over the doctor’s office that told me we’d lost you; the place where so much joy and so much pain was experienced. Maybe that was your way of reminding me that even some good can come out of bad.
I want you to know that even though daddy and I don't talk about you much anymore is not because we don't love you, or that I don't think about you every single day. It's just too hard for me. I have your brother and sister to take care of still.
I miss you. I love you. The days between now and until I can hold you cannot pass quick enough. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love,
Mommy

Four Years Ago...

Four years ago tomorrow our little Aliya joined our family. I cannot believe it's been four years already. She has truely changed my life as a woman and mother. I am eternally greatful to her birthmom who chose life for her and Jon and me to be her parents. Jocelyn, we love you.

1/21/08

11/2011

My little ladybug,
You are an answer to prayers. We prayed for you before we even knew you. I am so blessed to be your mommy! You never stop amazing me. I am 100% positive God planned you and me from the very begining. Everytime I look at you I fall more in love with you. I couldn't love you any more if I tried. You are smart, caring, a good singer and have a memory like I've never seen (I would be hereall day if I listed everything I love about you). You would never know you weren't a Bergstrom by blood, your manorizims are 50/50 of mine and your dad's (and your brother's too), right down to the way you role your eyes at me! (you got that from your brother) I remember the day we recieved your new birth certificate with my name listed as your mommy. I sat in my van and cried. I never thought I would see my name on a baby's birth certificate. And there is was. You were mine and I was yours.

Four years later I still have the mirror in my van turned towards you. I can't take my eyes off of you. You are my dream come true and I don't want to miss a minute of your life. I love watching you sleep...you are so peaceful. I love listening to you pray for people. You have this direct line to God. Please keep that, you have something so special.

I love when I pick you up from school and everyday you run to me. I know that will end soon. Soon you will be too cool to even talk to me in public. But until that day, I will scoop you up and snuggle you in front of your friends as long as you will let me.

Miss Gail bringing you home that cold January night is one I will remember until the day I die. The feeling of relief that you were finally home. The feeling of complete confusion standing at Target that night in the formula isle having ZERO clue what I was shopping for. The first night you cried when we put you down and found comfort on my chest. Tears of joy as I called everyone in the family announcing your arrival. Presenting you for the first time to my coworkers and your new family. You were ours, our answer to prayers.

It is my prayer for you that you grow up strong, confident and loving God. I pray you know where you come from and love where you are. I pray everyday God uses you to change the life of someone else.

Your name means God's Gift and that is truely what you are to me. A gift I will never stop loving!

I am so proud of you!
Love
Mommy

Healing

I have only had one break down in the past 3 weeks, and that only lasted about 2 minutes.

Last month my body was playing tricks on me. It felt EXACTLY the same as it did when I was pregnant (and didn't know it at the time). I have to be honest, the thought of it consumed me. I thought about it all the time. When it was happening for real, I had no idea what the feelings were, so this time I was completely aware of my body and, in all honesty, it scared the crap out of me. I shared with Jon my thoughts and together we counted out the days. I took a test and it was negative. Not one tear shed, not one ounce of disapointment. I'm healing.

In the past week two co-worker announced their pregnancies to me. In fact, they told me three hours apart, neither knowing the other was expecting. No tears, no disapointment, just excitment for them. I'm healing.

My due date would have been 1/24/12...As the day approaches I've been guessing what we would have been doing to prepare. When we first found out I was pregnant I moved Aliya's room around to make room for the crib (of course that was never put up, but the space was there). This past week I moved her room back. I'm healing.

As I sit here and watch my two kids fight play together I say a silent prayer of thanks. God has truly blessed me with these two.

Aliya still talks about her baby sister being in heaven. As I watch her hold other babies, I know she would have made a wonderful big sister. This makes me a bit sad.

I plan to write our little one a letter on my due date. Not sure if I'll post it or just tuck it in my bible with the ultrasound pictures. I am ready to move on, but not forget. I am ready to heal. I am ready to feel normal again.

Moving on...

Still struggling here. I started counseling just over a month ago to help me deal with our loss. It seems to be helping. Most days I'm fine, then others I still can barely function. But, those days are fewer, thankfully.

I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend (who unexpectled announced she was pregnant back in March) told me she added me to the list of people to be in the hospital room when she gave birth. I was honored and terrified at the same time. Not wanting to make her special day about me, I wondered if I could handle it. But, I always told her I would be there for her, and how exciting to experience this since we were not there for our daughter's birth.

As the days quickly approached towards her due date I did a lot of praying. Yesterday was the big day. Everything that could go wrong at work that morning (for me) did and it was looking like I wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Was this God's way of guarding my heart? Was I not suposed to be there? But thankfully it all worked out and I was on my way to see her, an hour before I was even orginally suposed to leave town.

I cried off an on the entire 1 hour and 50 minute trip. I grieved the loss of our baby and I cried tears of joy for what I was about to witness. Bitter sweet tears.

I arrived at the hospital at 4pm and was greated by friends and family. Not much had happend since she had been admitted at 8am that morning. So we waited...and waited...and waited... I was introduced to several of the baby's father's family members and they embrassed me like I had known them all their lives. It made the 10 hours I spent with them that night so much easier.

Of course all the ladies started sharing their birth stories, how long they were in labor, how many pushes it took, the pain and joy. I just sat there. I was unable to contribute to the conversation. Our miscarage was like an elephant in the room, they all knew, no one asked. In fact, no one made eye contact with me while they were sharing their stories. As tears welled in my eyes my friend's mom asked me to join her in getting something to drink. The instant we were behind closed doors the tears flooded and she held me. I so did not want this to be about me!!! And the grandma-to-be of all people didn't need me crying. She reminded me that I had a beautiful daughter at home. Honestly, this did not make me feel better. I know we have a beautiful daughter, whom I love more than life itself. But that does not change the fact that I am still greiving.

After I collected myself and joined the others we continued to wait. I took my turns going back to sit with my friend. I truely love my friend, she has been my sister sinse our first day of college when we met, but it was still so hard. She asked how I was and I chose the "oh, tired by good" reply. (my usual answer these days) I couldn't tell her that while I was so excited for her I was equally dying inside.

Into the wee hours of the morning we continued to wait. By 1:30a I had had so much coffee I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was mesmerized by the monitors and the friendly competition with the women down the hall. (Have you seen the episode of Friends when Rachel goes into the labor, same thing) I was singing into my friend's belling begging the baby to come out. It was getting late and I needed to head for home. I wanted to make sure I was awake enough to make the drive home. So at 2:00a I packed up my things, said my good-byes and headed for home.

Baby H arrived at 6:10am weighing in at 8# 4oz, 22" long and a full head of hair. I took a half day at work and headed back to the hospital. Not sure how I would handle this I got my crying out of the way before I got out of my van in the parking lot. All I can say is SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Oh my gosh. And my friend, who just 7 months ago found out her life was going change forever looked so natural holding her daughter. So content. So at peace. I held H for as long as I could and soaked up her smell, her snuggles and the inocence. I stayed for just over an hour or so and headed home. No tears this time, just a smile.

Sitting here typing this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, tears of pain and tears of the future. I am so ready not to cry. So ready to just feel normal again. I know that day is coming, I just wish I would hurry up and get here.