Hi baby!
I've thought about writing this letter for weeks now and and that I'm sitting here, I'm almost at a loss for words. We should have met you today but instead I sit here writing to you. I want you to know that you were loved from the minute we found out you were in my belly. I wanted you for so long and was convinced we'd never have you. But there you were; your little heart beating. So many people were praying for you and I continue to pray for you today.
I can't wait to meet you someday in heaven. Your daddy misses you too, and your big brother and sister still talk about you. Aliya is convinced you are a girl. We will one day find out. We didn't even get the chance to name you, I wonder what Jesus calls you? I wonder if you hear me when I talk to you each night. Do you hear me tell you I miss you and that I love you?
(This is harder than I thought it would be)
How do you love someone so much that you never got to hold or even hear? I don't know the answer to this question, but I do know that I love you still. You were an answer to a prayer that was long overdue. Sometimes at night when I'm lying next to daddy in bed I imagine what you look like. Do you have redish hair like mine, or green eyes like daddy. I know you don't have dark skin like your sister, but I imagine you have her kind spirit and faith. Are you funny like your brother?
What is heaven like? Is Grandma taking good care of you until I can hold you? Why did God have to take you so early? Why does it still hurt when I think about you? Why is it that lying in bed at night I can talk to you for hours, but now my words are few?
I saw a rainbow a few weeks ago , I thought of you. The rainbow ended right over the doctor’s office that told me we’d lost you; the place where so much joy and so much pain was experienced. Maybe that was your way of reminding me that even some good can come out of bad.
I want you to know that even though daddy and I don't talk about you much anymore is not because we don't love you, or that I don't think about you every single day. It's just too hard for me. I have your brother and sister to take care of still.
I miss you. I love you. The days between now and until I can hold you cannot pass quick enough. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Four Years Ago...
Four years ago tomorrow our little Aliya joined our family. I cannot believe it's been four years already. She has truely changed my life as a woman and mother. I am eternally greatful to her birthmom who chose life for her and Jon and me to be her parents. Jocelyn, we love you.
1/21/08
11/2011
My little ladybug,
You are an answer to prayers. We prayed for you before we even knew you. I am so blessed to be your mommy! You never stop amazing me. I am 100% positive God planned you and me from the very begining. Everytime I look at you I fall more in love with you. I couldn't love you any more if I tried. You are smart, caring, a good singer and have a memory like I've never seen (I would be hereall day if I listed everything I love about you). You would never know you weren't a Bergstrom by blood, your manorizims are 50/50 of mine and your dad's (and your brother's too), right down to the way you role your eyes at me! (you got that from your brother) I remember the day we recieved your new birth certificate with my name listed as your mommy. I sat in my van and cried. I never thought I would see my name on a baby's birth certificate. And there is was. You were mine and I was yours.
Four years later I still have the mirror in my van turned towards you. I can't take my eyes off of you. You are my dream come true and I don't want to miss a minute of your life. I love watching you sleep...you are so peaceful. I love listening to you pray for people. You have this direct line to God. Please keep that, you have something so special.
I love when I pick you up from school and everyday you run to me. I know that will end soon. Soon you will be too cool to even talk to me in public. But until that day, I will scoop you up and snuggle you in front of your friends as long as you will let me.
Miss Gail bringing you home that cold January night is one I will remember until the day I die. The feeling of relief that you were finally home. The feeling of complete confusion standing at Target that night in the formula isle having ZERO clue what I was shopping for. The first night you cried when we put you down and found comfort on my chest. Tears of joy as I called everyone in the family announcing your arrival. Presenting you for the first time to my coworkers and your new family. You were ours, our answer to prayers.
It is my prayer for you that you grow up strong, confident and loving God. I pray you know where you come from and love where you are. I pray everyday God uses you to change the life of someone else.
Your name means God's Gift and that is truely what you are to me. A gift I will never stop loving!
I am so proud of you!
Love
Mommy
1/21/08
11/2011
My little ladybug,
You are an answer to prayers. We prayed for you before we even knew you. I am so blessed to be your mommy! You never stop amazing me. I am 100% positive God planned you and me from the very begining. Everytime I look at you I fall more in love with you. I couldn't love you any more if I tried. You are smart, caring, a good singer and have a memory like I've never seen (I would be hereall day if I listed everything I love about you). You would never know you weren't a Bergstrom by blood, your manorizims are 50/50 of mine and your dad's (and your brother's too), right down to the way you role your eyes at me! (you got that from your brother) I remember the day we recieved your new birth certificate with my name listed as your mommy. I sat in my van and cried. I never thought I would see my name on a baby's birth certificate. And there is was. You were mine and I was yours.
Four years later I still have the mirror in my van turned towards you. I can't take my eyes off of you. You are my dream come true and I don't want to miss a minute of your life. I love watching you sleep...you are so peaceful. I love listening to you pray for people. You have this direct line to God. Please keep that, you have something so special.
I love when I pick you up from school and everyday you run to me. I know that will end soon. Soon you will be too cool to even talk to me in public. But until that day, I will scoop you up and snuggle you in front of your friends as long as you will let me.
Miss Gail bringing you home that cold January night is one I will remember until the day I die. The feeling of relief that you were finally home. The feeling of complete confusion standing at Target that night in the formula isle having ZERO clue what I was shopping for. The first night you cried when we put you down and found comfort on my chest. Tears of joy as I called everyone in the family announcing your arrival. Presenting you for the first time to my coworkers and your new family. You were ours, our answer to prayers.
It is my prayer for you that you grow up strong, confident and loving God. I pray you know where you come from and love where you are. I pray everyday God uses you to change the life of someone else.
Your name means God's Gift and that is truely what you are to me. A gift I will never stop loving!
I am so proud of you!
Love
Mommy
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Healing
I have only had one break down in the past 3 weeks, and that only lasted about 2 minutes.
Last month my body was playing tricks on me. It felt EXACTLY the same as it did when I was pregnant (and didn't know it at the time). I have to be honest, the thought of it consumed me. I thought about it all the time. When it was happening for real, I had no idea what the feelings were, so this time I was completely aware of my body and, in all honesty, it scared the crap out of me. I shared with Jon my thoughts and together we counted out the days. I took a test and it was negative. Not one tear shed, not one ounce of disapointment. I'm healing.
In the past week two co-worker announced their pregnancies to me. In fact, they told me three hours apart, neither knowing the other was expecting. No tears, no disapointment, just excitment for them. I'm healing.
My due date would have been 1/24/12...As the day approaches I've been guessing what we would have been doing to prepare. When we first found out I was pregnant I moved Aliya's room around to make room for the crib (of course that was never put up, but the space was there). This past week I moved her room back. I'm healing.
As I sit here and watch my two kidsfight play together I say a silent prayer of thanks. God has truly blessed me with these two.
Aliya still talks about her baby sister being in heaven. As I watch her hold other babies, I know she would have made a wonderful big sister. This makes me a bit sad.
I plan to write our little one a letter on my due date. Not sure if I'll post it or just tuck it in my bible with the ultrasound pictures. I am ready to move on, but not forget. I am ready to heal. I am ready to feel normal again.
Last month my body was playing tricks on me. It felt EXACTLY the same as it did when I was pregnant (and didn't know it at the time). I have to be honest, the thought of it consumed me. I thought about it all the time. When it was happening for real, I had no idea what the feelings were, so this time I was completely aware of my body and, in all honesty, it scared the crap out of me. I shared with Jon my thoughts and together we counted out the days. I took a test and it was negative. Not one tear shed, not one ounce of disapointment. I'm healing.
In the past week two co-worker announced their pregnancies to me. In fact, they told me three hours apart, neither knowing the other was expecting. No tears, no disapointment, just excitment for them. I'm healing.
My due date would have been 1/24/12...As the day approaches I've been guessing what we would have been doing to prepare. When we first found out I was pregnant I moved Aliya's room around to make room for the crib (of course that was never put up, but the space was there). This past week I moved her room back. I'm healing.
As I sit here and watch my two kids
Aliya still talks about her baby sister being in heaven. As I watch her hold other babies, I know she would have made a wonderful big sister. This makes me a bit sad.
I plan to write our little one a letter on my due date. Not sure if I'll post it or just tuck it in my bible with the ultrasound pictures. I am ready to move on, but not forget. I am ready to heal. I am ready to feel normal again.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Moving on...
Still struggling here. I started counseling just over a month ago to help me deal with our loss. It seems to be helping. Most days I'm fine, then others I still can barely function. But, those days are fewer, thankfully.
I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend (who unexpectled announced she was pregnant back in March) told me she added me to the list of people to be in the hospital room when she gave birth. I was honored and terrified at the same time. Not wanting to make her special day about me, I wondered if I could handle it. But, I always told her I would be there for her, and how exciting to experience this since we were not there for our daughter's birth.
As the days quickly approached towards her due date I did a lot of praying. Yesterday was the big day. Everything that could go wrong at work that morning (for me) did and it was looking like I wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Was this God's way of guarding my heart? Was I not suposed to be there? But thankfully it all worked out and I was on my way to see her, an hour before I was even orginally suposed to leave town.
I cried off an on the entire 1 hour and 50 minute trip. I grieved the loss of our baby and I cried tears of joy for what I was about to witness. Bitter sweet tears.
I arrived at the hospital at 4pm and was greated by friends and family. Not much had happend since she had been admitted at 8am that morning. So we waited...and waited...and waited... I was introduced to several of the baby's father's family members and they embrassed me like I had known them all their lives. It made the 10 hours I spent with them that night so much easier.
Of course all the ladies started sharing their birth stories, how long they were in labor, how many pushes it took, the pain and joy. I just sat there. I was unable to contribute to the conversation. Our miscarage was like an elephant in the room, they all knew, no one asked. In fact, no one made eye contact with me while they were sharing their stories. As tears welled in my eyes my friend's mom asked me to join her in getting something to drink. The instant we were behind closed doors the tears flooded and she held me. I so did not want this to be about me!!! And the grandma-to-be of all people didn't need me crying. She reminded me that I had a beautiful daughter at home. Honestly, this did not make me feel better. I know we have a beautiful daughter, whom I love more than life itself. But that does not change the fact that I am still greiving.
After I collected myself and joined the others we continued to wait. I took my turns going back to sit with my friend. I truely love my friend, she has been my sister sinse our first day of college when we met, but it was still so hard. She asked how I was and I chose the "oh, tired by good" reply. (my usual answer these days) I couldn't tell her that while I was so excited for her I was equally dying inside.
Into the wee hours of the morning we continued to wait. By 1:30a I had had so much coffee I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was mesmerized by the monitors and the friendly competition with the women down the hall. (Have you seen the episode of Friends when Rachel goes into the labor, same thing) I was singing into my friend's belling begging the baby to come out. It was getting late and I needed to head for home. I wanted to make sure I was awake enough to make the drive home. So at 2:00a I packed up my things, said my good-byes and headed for home.
Baby H arrived at 6:10am weighing in at 8# 4oz, 22" long and a full head of hair. I took a half day at work and headed back to the hospital. Not sure how I would handle this I got my crying out of the way before I got out of my van in the parking lot. All I can say is SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Oh my gosh. And my friend, who just 7 months ago found out her life was going change forever looked so natural holding her daughter. So content. So at peace. I held H for as long as I could and soaked up her smell, her snuggles and the inocence. I stayed for just over an hour or so and headed home. No tears this time, just a smile.
Sitting here typing this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, tears of pain and tears of the future. I am so ready not to cry. So ready to just feel normal again. I know that day is coming, I just wish I would hurry up and get here.
I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend (who unexpectled announced she was pregnant back in March) told me she added me to the list of people to be in the hospital room when she gave birth. I was honored and terrified at the same time. Not wanting to make her special day about me, I wondered if I could handle it. But, I always told her I would be there for her, and how exciting to experience this since we were not there for our daughter's birth.
As the days quickly approached towards her due date I did a lot of praying. Yesterday was the big day. Everything that could go wrong at work that morning (for me) did and it was looking like I wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Was this God's way of guarding my heart? Was I not suposed to be there? But thankfully it all worked out and I was on my way to see her, an hour before I was even orginally suposed to leave town.
I cried off an on the entire 1 hour and 50 minute trip. I grieved the loss of our baby and I cried tears of joy for what I was about to witness. Bitter sweet tears.
I arrived at the hospital at 4pm and was greated by friends and family. Not much had happend since she had been admitted at 8am that morning. So we waited...and waited...and waited... I was introduced to several of the baby's father's family members and they embrassed me like I had known them all their lives. It made the 10 hours I spent with them that night so much easier.
Of course all the ladies started sharing their birth stories, how long they were in labor, how many pushes it took, the pain and joy. I just sat there. I was unable to contribute to the conversation. Our miscarage was like an elephant in the room, they all knew, no one asked. In fact, no one made eye contact with me while they were sharing their stories. As tears welled in my eyes my friend's mom asked me to join her in getting something to drink. The instant we were behind closed doors the tears flooded and she held me. I so did not want this to be about me!!! And the grandma-to-be of all people didn't need me crying. She reminded me that I had a beautiful daughter at home. Honestly, this did not make me feel better. I know we have a beautiful daughter, whom I love more than life itself. But that does not change the fact that I am still greiving.
After I collected myself and joined the others we continued to wait. I took my turns going back to sit with my friend. I truely love my friend, she has been my sister sinse our first day of college when we met, but it was still so hard. She asked how I was and I chose the "oh, tired by good" reply. (my usual answer these days) I couldn't tell her that while I was so excited for her I was equally dying inside.
Into the wee hours of the morning we continued to wait. By 1:30a I had had so much coffee I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was mesmerized by the monitors and the friendly competition with the women down the hall. (Have you seen the episode of Friends when Rachel goes into the labor, same thing) I was singing into my friend's belling begging the baby to come out. It was getting late and I needed to head for home. I wanted to make sure I was awake enough to make the drive home. So at 2:00a I packed up my things, said my good-byes and headed for home.
Baby H arrived at 6:10am weighing in at 8# 4oz, 22" long and a full head of hair. I took a half day at work and headed back to the hospital. Not sure how I would handle this I got my crying out of the way before I got out of my van in the parking lot. All I can say is SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Oh my gosh. And my friend, who just 7 months ago found out her life was going change forever looked so natural holding her daughter. So content. So at peace. I held H for as long as I could and soaked up her smell, her snuggles and the inocence. I stayed for just over an hour or so and headed home. No tears this time, just a smile.
Sitting here typing this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, tears of pain and tears of the future. I am so ready not to cry. So ready to just feel normal again. I know that day is coming, I just wish I would hurry up and get here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
8 years already?
8 years ago today I married my best friend!! Happy Anniversary Jon, I love you more today than ever!
(wish I could post a picture, gotta love safe mode)
(wish I could post a picture, gotta love safe mode)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Still Struggling
I really thought I'd be further along in my healing by now, but in all honesty, I'm not. Most days I'm fine, but others I just cry and cry. My best friend is pregnant, two of my sisters-in-law are pregnant and we just found out two weeks that our dear friend's (just turned) 18 year old daughter is pregnant. That announcement was the icing on the cake for me I think.
Like a ton of bricks dropped on my heart I lost it. Right in the middle of bible study I broke down. I'm not angry at God, or even this young lady, I truly think I'm jealous. And I hate that about myself. I've never been the jealous type really, but right now I am. Sometimes the thought consume me (healthy, I know right).
I hope I don't sound ungrateful for the two beautiful children God has blessed me with, because I love them more than life itself, I really do...but there is a hole in my heart that only God can fill.
I finally took the ultra sound pictures off of the refrigerator and put them in my bible. (in Ephesians) Where they will stay until an unknown time.
I would have been 24 weeks today. I truly thought this dark feeling would have passed by now...
If you pray, I'm asking for it right now please. I need to get past this so I can function and be the wife and mother my husband and children need.
Like a ton of bricks dropped on my heart I lost it. Right in the middle of bible study I broke down. I'm not angry at God, or even this young lady, I truly think I'm jealous. And I hate that about myself. I've never been the jealous type really, but right now I am. Sometimes the thought consume me (healthy, I know right).
I hope I don't sound ungrateful for the two beautiful children God has blessed me with, because I love them more than life itself, I really do...but there is a hole in my heart that only God can fill.
I finally took the ultra sound pictures off of the refrigerator and put them in my bible. (in Ephesians) Where they will stay until an unknown time.
I would have been 24 weeks today. I truly thought this dark feeling would have passed by now...
If you pray, I'm asking for it right now please. I need to get past this so I can function and be the wife and mother my husband and children need.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
It's been awhile
So our computer is still down, but it's in "safe mode" so we can at least get on the internet. So much has happened in the past few months...not sure if I should pick up where I left off last, or just start at today.
Our world has completely been turned upside-down. After years of being told by our doctors that conceiving a child together would been near impossible on 5/16/11 we found out I was pregnant. Totally by chance I took a test, not EVER thinking I was pregnant (in fact I even told Jon it was broken and he needed to buy another one)The following week I went to the doctor and it was confirmed we were 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Jon's mom was in in town that week so we were able to tell her in person! The baby's heart rate was on the low end, but our doctor reassured us everything was fine. She ordered another ultra sound the following week just to make sure and only having one kidney raised a bit of concern to the doctor so she referred me back to my nephologist.. That was the longest week of my life. I couldn't believe God would bless us with a baby just for something to be wrong. EVERYONE we knew (at least, those we'd told already) were praying for us. I was so scared, every twinge, every pain I was convinced something was wrong. But on Friday June 8th we got to see the baby again, heart beating strong and hard. I finally exhaled.
We started telling everyone we knew about the baby, looking back now it was too early, but after years of being on the receiving end of the "guess what, we're pregnant (again)" calls, it felt SO good to be the one making the big announcement. And frankly the more people praying for us the better!
On Wednesday June 15th, one month after our positive test, I started bleeding. FREAKING OUT I called my doctor and spoke with the nurse. She assured me everything was fine, but in my heart I knew different. The bleeding continued and I called the nurse again, every day. And every day she told me the same thing, I was fine. When I called Friday I requested an ultrasound the following week, just to make sure. She said she would make a note in my file. By Saturday I paged the doctor, she too tried to reassure me everything was okay. I did not like what I was hearing so we packed up and heading to the ER. After a full round of tests it was confirmed that we had lost the baby and I had a UTI. Tired and defeated we headed home.
Telling the kids was the hardest part, they both had been so excited for the baby. I continued to pray that God would show me His plan for all of this and the following is what I came up with (true or not, this is what got me through this):
God knew the deep down desire of my heart to be pregnant. (even after years of saying out loud that I was fine, I know there was a tiny little place in the very back of my heart that longed for it) So God, being the amazing father that he is, gave me my hearts desire. He allowed me to see our baby's heart twice, he allowed me to have the symptoms of pregnancy, everything I had ever asked for. BUT my wanting and HIS knowing are two totally different things. So after giving me what I wanted, HE knew what I needed so he took his gift back and is holding her until we can. Maybe my remaining kidney isn't strong enough.
(I have since left the doctor I was seeing, that in itself was DRAMA and horrible. I will not post about that, because I am still SO angry about everything) and I have seen my Nephologist. I am at the top end of stage two kidney failure. Still very healthy, with plenty of functioning left and could still safely carry a child, but just not at this time. When? Not sure...could be next month, could be next year, could be never.
I am still grieving. I still haven't taken the ultrasound pictures off the refrigerator yet. I still cry every once in awhile. I still question God at times. BUT one thing I don't do is worry. I am 100% confident that I will meet my little one some day in heaven. And you know what, if I never get pregnant again I can now say I am 100% okay with that. I got to experience pregnancy, if only for a month and a half, what more could I ask for? I got to see our little one's heart beating twice! So as I sit and look at the two beautiful kids God did give me, neither of them that came from my belly, but from my heart I can only thank God that I am the most blessed mommy in the world and one day will finally get to meet the one that did grown inside of me!
Our world has completely been turned upside-down. After years of being told by our doctors that conceiving a child together would been near impossible on 5/16/11 we found out I was pregnant. Totally by chance I took a test, not EVER thinking I was pregnant (in fact I even told Jon it was broken and he needed to buy another one)The following week I went to the doctor and it was confirmed we were 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Jon's mom was in in town that week so we were able to tell her in person! The baby's heart rate was on the low end, but our doctor reassured us everything was fine. She ordered another ultra sound the following week just to make sure and only having one kidney raised a bit of concern to the doctor so she referred me back to my nephologist.. That was the longest week of my life. I couldn't believe God would bless us with a baby just for something to be wrong. EVERYONE we knew (at least, those we'd told already) were praying for us. I was so scared, every twinge, every pain I was convinced something was wrong. But on Friday June 8th we got to see the baby again, heart beating strong and hard. I finally exhaled.
We started telling everyone we knew about the baby, looking back now it was too early, but after years of being on the receiving end of the "guess what, we're pregnant (again)" calls, it felt SO good to be the one making the big announcement. And frankly the more people praying for us the better!
On Wednesday June 15th, one month after our positive test, I started bleeding. FREAKING OUT I called my doctor and spoke with the nurse. She assured me everything was fine, but in my heart I knew different. The bleeding continued and I called the nurse again, every day. And every day she told me the same thing, I was fine. When I called Friday I requested an ultrasound the following week, just to make sure. She said she would make a note in my file. By Saturday I paged the doctor, she too tried to reassure me everything was okay. I did not like what I was hearing so we packed up and heading to the ER. After a full round of tests it was confirmed that we had lost the baby and I had a UTI. Tired and defeated we headed home.
Telling the kids was the hardest part, they both had been so excited for the baby. I continued to pray that God would show me His plan for all of this and the following is what I came up with (true or not, this is what got me through this):
God knew the deep down desire of my heart to be pregnant. (even after years of saying out loud that I was fine, I know there was a tiny little place in the very back of my heart that longed for it) So God, being the amazing father that he is, gave me my hearts desire. He allowed me to see our baby's heart twice, he allowed me to have the symptoms of pregnancy, everything I had ever asked for. BUT my wanting and HIS knowing are two totally different things. So after giving me what I wanted, HE knew what I needed so he took his gift back and is holding her until we can. Maybe my remaining kidney isn't strong enough.
(I have since left the doctor I was seeing, that in itself was DRAMA and horrible. I will not post about that, because I am still SO angry about everything) and I have seen my Nephologist. I am at the top end of stage two kidney failure. Still very healthy, with plenty of functioning left and could still safely carry a child, but just not at this time. When? Not sure...could be next month, could be next year, could be never.
I am still grieving. I still haven't taken the ultrasound pictures off the refrigerator yet. I still cry every once in awhile. I still question God at times. BUT one thing I don't do is worry. I am 100% confident that I will meet my little one some day in heaven. And you know what, if I never get pregnant again I can now say I am 100% okay with that. I got to experience pregnancy, if only for a month and a half, what more could I ask for? I got to see our little one's heart beating twice! So as I sit and look at the two beautiful kids God did give me, neither of them that came from my belly, but from my heart I can only thank God that I am the most blessed mommy in the world and one day will finally get to meet the one that did grown inside of me!
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